


First (Dis)Order

by maytheforcebewithlizzie



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angry Kylo Ren, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Armitage Hux Needs A Hug, Asexual Character, Asexuality, M/M, Multi, Protective Kylo Ren, Snoke Being a Dick, Virgin Hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-05-30 15:38:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15099806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maytheforcebewithlizzie/pseuds/maytheforcebewithlizzie
Summary: After another argument, Hux and Ren part their ways. When Hux is offered to join the upcoming mission, Ren's frustration only grows as he knows that the mission won't be successful. However, he doesn't feel victorious after his expectations turn out to be right and Hux is in need of his help.





	1. before we fell

Hux managed to suppress shivers that threatened to break his composedness. Ren was standing in the doorway leading to his bedroom, heavily breathing and shaking in rage. In those few moments between being asleep and abruptly trying to stay awake, Hux was quick to see that Ren's broad figure cut off the only escape route he had.

Instead of showing his nervousness over the whole situation, he sat up slowly. The medication still made him feel dizzy and he felt foolish for allowing himself believe that his quarters could ever become his safe haven.

“Ren?” he asked, letting the frustration slip into his tone. “How the hell did you get inside?” He pushed the sheets away, immediately regretting this decision as he felt as cold air brushed his naked legs. He was wearing his regulation shorts and a plain shirt and still, he felt bare compared to fully dressed Ren who silently loomed over him in his raggedy robes.

Ren was quiet for a moment but when he managed to speak, his voice was barely a whisper. “What do you know about the real power, General?” His tone carried malice and Hux, no matter how much he wanted to stand up and find a way to get out, remained silently sitting on his bed. The sheets were cooling underneath his stretched fingers and he wasn't foolish enough to actually try to stand up. His knees were shaking even in this position and it took his whole willpower to keep his mental shields up.

His whole body tensed once he felt as Ren brushed his mind. The breaching was not like before. Sometimes when Ren tried to get in, he used much gentler methods than he did with his prisoners. Usually, it felt like a brush of a wind that tried to get in and Hux was quick to push it away and loudly demand of Ren to leave his mind at peace. This time, however, he felt the roughness pulsing under Ren's touch. He wasn't careful as he pushed against Hux's shields, instead, he used his whole strength to tear them apart.

Hux closed his eyes when he felt the rising pain inside of his head. His body seized and he leaned forward, falling into the sheets where he curled into a ball. He brought his knees closer to his chest and wrapped his hands around them. “Ren,” he weakly cursed as the pain only grew. He heard a sickening sound of snap and his shields shattered.

He could feel Ren's presence inside. It was like having a bug inside of his head and knowing there was no way of getting him out. Ren crossed the room to join him on the bed. His fingers wrapped around Hux's slenderer wrists and held them in place. The General felt the need to scream in pain but refused by pressing his lips together.

“GET OUT!” he yelled and his throat started to feel sore. “THAT'S ENOUGH, REN!” And just like that, the pain was gone. However, a memory lingered in front of his half-lidded eyes. He was just a boy then, screaming and kicking when his father took a hold of him. Once Brendol's strong fingers got a hold of his small hands, his father yelled at him to stop. He refused to, too afraid of the pain that he started to cry when Brendol snapped his fingers one by one. The pain followed him long after his fingers healed, like a ghost reaching from him in the middle of the night.

Ren was breathing hard. Then, he shook his head. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Hux asked him sharply and did everything that was in his power to do to actually push himself up. His body was violently shaking and his head was painfully throbbing.

Ren snarled at him with bared teeth. Without his mask, he looked more real and it only made him scarier. “You hold no power in that bony fingers of yours, Hux. You are just a tool, playing with fire and then getting burned. You ignored my commands.”

“We are equals Ren,” Hux spat out, now aware why was Ren so angry. Only a few days ago Ren commanded his stuff to prepare his next mission on the planet they were reaching and Hux discarded Ren's plans with a simple wave of his hands and without informing him about that. “Not everything is all about the dirty work. This is a diplomatic mission,” he continued. “Therefore it's no place for you. We need to make negotiations and not to cause bloodshed.”

Ren huffed under his breath, possibly even angrier. “Your place is no this ship, General. Your job is to control those aboard while mine is to ensure that Order has no enemies.”

“You can't make people bow just by violence,” Hux reminded him, unkindly. “You need more than that. Your mother is a politician. Didn't she teach you that swords win battles, but words win wars?” Hux finally managed to get a grip of himself just in time to feel as Ren's Force powers wrapped around his throat and squeezed it. He felt as his breath caught in his throat and both his hands shot up to get rid of those fingers preventing him from getting air.

Then next time Kylo Ren spoke, Hux heard every word he said. “You like playing games, Hux. But there is a difference between the game and real situation. And I am warning you, you will lose this game. And then you will fall.”

Hux glared at him. Dark spots danced in front of his eyes as the Force continued in choking him. He caught a glimpse of Ren's face and realized that the knight looked feral. He coughed when Ren let him go and fell into sheets ungracefully. He was aware that tears started to roll down his cheeks that were now wet. He raised his head up and saw Ren standing in the doorway. The knight looked at him one last time and his dark eyes were filled with fragments of rage. Then he turned on his heel and left.


	2. after we crashed

“Am I allowed to speak freely, sir?”

Phasma was standing next to him as he kept buttoning up his jacket. He felt bare without his greatcoat to hide the thinness of his waist but dismissed that feeling as he turned to his confidant. He nodded his head slowly, doing so without any other reason than to hear her voice.

It surprised him when Phasma pulled down her helmet. Her icy cold eyes stared into his own. She looked like one of his nightmares but he didn't mention it as he reached for his gloves. “What is it?” he snapped, regaining the control over his voice. Hux glanced at himself in the mirror and felt as his stomach turned upside-down from the rising feeling of anxiety.

“You look like hell,” Phasma said, using the tone to highlight her distress and at some point, Hux had to admit she was right. He was aware she noticed the bruises that formed on the skin of his neck overnight. The deep purple color was painful to look upon and it irked him every time his eyes spotted it. He could still feel the touch of Ren's Force abilities and their deadly grip that tried to bring Hux to a state of submission.

“I know,” he said. There were dark circles underneath his eyes and bones poking underneath his paper-thin skin. He looked already dead and despite the growing dread, he allowed himself to smile at that thought. If he dies tonight, it won't be a new feeling for him. Despite being the youngest General the First Order's ever had, Hux knew his own about the death itself. If he was bold enough, he would claim that he and the Death were like two old friends, not particularly fond of each other but always ready to return back in times of need.

“I've never woken up to such a cold morning like this one,” Hux said. “I can feel something in the air that reminds me of my childhood. You know, when my mother died, the air tasted like rain? I kept waking up to nightmares where the rain choked the life out of me.” His fingers touched the bruises on his neck and he brushed them with a shiver. “The last thing I've ever seen of my mother was a hole in her head when she fell down on the floor. I think my father hit her right into her left eye, it was a clean shot, almost perfect. If he was a merciful man, he would leave her face untouched. I remember she was very beautiful.” His throat tightened around those words. He tried to picture his mother's face. She was very pale in his memory and her eyes carried the gentleness he tried to erase from his life.

Phasma reached to touch his arm and Hux couldn't prevent himself from stiffening. “You helped me to kill him,” he whispered.

“It was your finger that pulled the trigger,” his Captain said as if to comfort him. Their eyes met and Hux slipped from her touch. He straightened his shoulders and licked his dry lips. After a moment his distress passed away and the ice inside of his eyes froze again.

“But I was you who pushed him to his knees.”

The walk towards the shuttle didn't last as long as Hux expected. He held his hands folded behind his back and kept his fingers digging into the leather of his gloves. Phasma accompanied him without a word. He could practically feel the thoughts inside of her head quietly buzzing. They were sharp enough to cut him. Without the ability to see her face, he couldn't really tell what she felt in that moment. Instead of trying to guess, he let himself drown in the memories of his mother. It helped him to get over the lack of Ren's presence. His steps were heavy.

Hux wasn't sure what was between him and the knight now. Every time he tried to find an answer to his question he came to a realization he was completely lost. The coldness that settled over him after the last night's confrontation was enough to make him feel anxious. He knew that something wrong was about to happen and though he didn't voice his concerns, he knew that Phasma felt his hesitation.

“General,” she nodded her head before she stepped back and he walked into the shuttle alone. Not even the company of seven Stormtroopers calmed him down as the shuttle raised into the air and when he closed his eyes, he could hear the roaring of the engines under his boots. It felt different than to stand on the Bridge and look at those stars outside. The light turned out to be brighter as they moved through space and right towards the planet in the distance.

Hux tried to remember the last time he had to leave the rooms of his own ship and stand with his legs firmly planted on the ground. He found himself disliking the feeling of the air brushing his face and his stomach turned upside-down again. The planet itself didn't manage to catch his eye. After the years he's spent in the darkness, the brightness of the light only burned his already half-lidded eyes. He knew that the sun made his skin look paler and almost transparent.

“General Hux,” came a greeting from a man in his middle-ages. He was grinning from ear to ear but his eyes held the cold shine Hux didn't quite like.

“Joachim,” he said as his own way of greeting and with suspicion looked around. The sand under his feet felt hot even with his boots on and Hux knew his cheeks were flushed from heat. He saw that Joachim came accompanied by another three man and each of them was holding a weapon of his own.

“I see you brought yourself an army,” the older man joked and showed his missing teeth and black tongue. "It almost looks like you don't really trust me.”

“I am just careful,” Hux said. “The First Order's been preparing for this alliance for months. It would be unfortunate to lose it over a mistake of one man.” He didn't care if Joachim spotted the threat or not.

“I am surprised,” Joachim admitted. “I was expecting Lord Ren to show up. Those who get through the struggle of obtaining contact with the Order usually expect the highest ranking officer to show up.” Hux read in his smile that he was trying to irritate him. He clenched his teeth before he spoke out again, surprised by the calmness of his voice.

“I am afraid that Lord Ren has no rank except being right under Supreme Leader's command. He is part of the Order but he's never been trained as any of us. Ranks have to be earned and unfortunately, even the will of the Force cannot prevent that.” For a moment he felt powerful again, just like did when he saw the light of the Starkiller. He remembered standing on the base and watching as the Republic disappeared under the fire he yearned to control. _And the fire that in the end, just controlled him._

Joachim's face turned stone-cold. “You know,” he said firmly. “I was born from nothing just like you. I was just a boy who had a father like any other boy. My both parents died when I was five years old.” _My mother died when I was just four. And I did not have a father._ “I don't spend my time thinking about them, General. The dead are dead and they can never return. Usually, though, I imagine their faces before I pull the trigger. Occasionally, I even use the knife. I think it's more personal with a knife, blasters are for business matters only. Do you think your parents would be proud if they saw you right now?”

Hux's eyes widened. “With all respect,” he said and hated when his voice started to shake. “I came here to talk of an alliance between two of us. Not because of my family. That discussion is off the table.” He composed himself after he was done with speaking and his eyes slid on the men standing behind Joachim. Their hands were tightly wrapped around the weapons they were holding and their eyes were focused unlike his own.

Joachim laughed. His own voice was hoarse when he spoke and Hux caught a hint of cruelty that crept in. “This is place is the end of the world,” Joachim said. “There is nothing for you to want.” His voice trailed off. “Of course, only except you were trying to disappear.” He looked sharply at Hux. “Why do you want this planet so much? There is nothing we can offer you, really.”

Hux gulped. He regretted he didn't have Ren here in this very moment. Ren's presence didn't require use of any words. He had a reputation and they all knew what he was capable of. Even standing tall didn't help him to gain at least a wave of fear from those men. They already saw him as a failure he was and for a moment Hux found himself wondering if Snoke didn't send him on the mission to get rid of him. Or maybe this was a test to show if Hux was worth all those efforts.

“There is no end of the world,” he said firmly. “The Order needs every planet and every person who is willing to fight for us.”

“And what is there to fight for?” Joachim asked. “My father used to say this, if you see a bitch, make her spread her legs and then take and take until she's not only used but destroyed.” He smirked at that. “What do you think? Would the Order pay enough for your pretty ginger head? Or maybe we could sell you somewhere else. I heard that red hair is quite unique.”

Hux felt as shivers ran down his spine. He heard that voice again. _If you cannot win them over, serve them with your body, boy. Use what you have. Strong men fight on the battlefield but those weak have to learn to survive between the sheets. Do not make me regret ever saving you._

He knew his reaction was late. His hands reached behind his belt just in time to hear the sound of the shot and the Stormtrooper closest to his side fell on his knees with a groan. The next few moments filled Hux's nose with the smell of blood. The pain only came afterward. He was holding his blaster and pointed it at Joachim when someone hit him right into the center of his chest.

His body arched and he felt as he started to lose his balance. The fall was just another consequence. His knees shook and when his back collided with the sand, he imagined it was over. The blood managed to soak through the front of his pressed uniform and the sand underneath him turned all red. Hux could smell hot air just as blood filled inside of his mouth.

Then he saw a pair of boots coming closer. He saw Joachim's face and the grin smeared on his lips like a dry paint. “Look at that,” Joachim snarled and pressed the heel of his boot just above Hux's wound. The General coughed and the panic filled his damaged lungs once he felt the pressure holding him down. Joachim leaned closer to observe what he's caused.

“Red is your color, General.”

Hux grasped for the air and his hands balled into the fists. _Ren,_ he thought in despair and for the first time wondered if Ren saw him lying in the sand, covered in his own blood when he came that night into his quarters. Maybe one day he will laugh at this with Ren. It would be like an old, long forgotten memory, he tried to convince himself just as the black dots started to dance in front of his eyes. The blood kept dripping out when Joachim pulled his boot away. He kneeled down and turned Hux's face in his direction.

“Just like your Starkiller, General. You were meant to burn too.”


	3. under the burning sand

He blinked away tears that gathered in his eyes. Generals weren't meant to cry and even if he wanted to, the years under his father's hand made sure he wouldn't. Hux felt as the weight of the loneliness settled above him and coldly reminded him that nothing lasts forever. The sky above his head changed colors from distant bright blue to black, heavy like a spilled ink.

The moments before he lost his consciousness passed in silence. It may have been hours before he managed to push himself up while pressing his palm against the wound on his chest. The blood was everywhere, not just on the ground but in the air too. He could smell it while he laid in the sand, consumed by the last fires of the pain. He raised his hands up only once and his stomach tightened when he saw the redness covering the leather of his gloves.

The cold came much later when he was almost sure it was the end for him. His eyes were glued to the night sky then. He imagined that _the Finalizer_ was somewhere above his head, moving through the nothingness of the space. _They are coming for me,_ he kept assuring himself while he suffered in silence. But with the growing darkness, the smell of blood became stronger and Hux slowly let go of the hope that someone was coming to get him. The wound was still gaping open but the pain stopped bothering him. It turned into a quiet presence that reached for him whenever he drew a breath too sharp.

_The stars won't be coming back for someone stuck on the ground,_ he thought bitterly. He managed to bring his knees towards his chest as he continued in harsh grasping for the air. He wondered when will his lungs finally give up and he will choke on his own blood. His clothes were soaked through and whenever he looked around himself, he found corpses of his Stormtroopers lying around him. They all died quietly and more importantly, quickly. There was no point in keeping them alive to suffer but Hux knew that Joachim achieved what he wanted.

He often imagined the other man somewhere in the distance, laughing at what's done to the General. It left him with the taste of anger inside of his mouth. And somehow was that anger better than the suffering or the slow death while he kept losing the last bits of his blood. After hours and hours, he felt drained. At the end he kept his eyes glued on the stars while he watched memories come on go.

“Make a wish, Armitage,” he whispered at some point and made an attempt to remember something he's always wanted to have. The stars were laughing at him. Their smiles grew into cruel smirks once he coughed even more blood. That's when his father returned back to him from the dead.

Brendol Hux remained sitting not far away. His eyes stopped on the corpses first and only after that, they landed on his only son. His lips were pressed into a thin line created from anger. “This is not how you were supposed to die,” he barked out.

His son blinked. “I know you wanted to kill me,” he murmured softly into the night. The coldness settled deep inside of his bones.

“I didn't,” Brendol confessed. “You are a soldier. I raised one and you were supposed to die on the battlefield, giving up your life for the glory of the First Order.” He paused and his eyes roamed Hux's broken body that curled into itself on the sand that still carried the warmness of the day. “And I suppose I should have you killed as a child. If I knew you will be the end of me… your mother died for nothing. Or maybe not. She died for you.”

“That's what mothers do,” Hux mumbled. “They die for their children because they love them. You've never loved me, father.”

“Because you've never been my son,” Brendol said as if to defend his past actions. “You were just a weak boy, always too arrogant and too smart for his own good. You had my name, you had my blood but not my affection. Mistakes can be forgiven but you kept repeating them over and over again. I knew then that you are too weak to rule those underneath you. You see it now yourself.”

Hux shallowly shook his head. Dammit, he could feel the tears stinging him in the corners of his eyes. He wanted to burn them out, make them bleed. But his hands were already covered in blood. When he looked closer, his skin was ghostly pale. The touch of the Death was lingering upon him. “Can you remember my lessons, boy?”

Brendol raised up his hand. Hux flinched. He remembered being a small boy pressed against the wall when the doors opened. The tears were rolling down his cheeks and filled inside of his mouth. His father was standing in the doorway, hovering above him as he walked in. He didn't scream when his father hit him. He heard ringing inside of his head and his knees buckled underneath him. Brendol only laughed, quietly at first and then that sound grew louder and louder.

The blood was just as red as the locks of Hux's hair.

“You were born to serve,” Brendol told him when Hux managed to crack his eyes open again. “You served me and then the First Order. Now you serve that boy and your Supreme Leader. They will hurt you, Armitage. They already did.”

Hux didn't even flinch when the pain pulsed through every cell of his body. He coughed and spat out another amount of blood. Then slowly, he turned on his stomach and started to crawl. He knew that the sand found its way into his wound but he didn't care at that moment. All he knew was that he wanted to live. His hands were buried in the cooling sand and he kicked his legs to get closer to the shuttle he came in. His body was growing weak whenever he moved forward.

He heard the sound of steps and when he turned his head to the side, his eyes stopped on his father's face. “You are a stubborn boy,” Brendol said with a snarl. He kneeled and tried to get a hold of Hux's red hair. Once his fingers touched him, Hux's body tensed and he tried to kick him away. He felt as his boot hit his father's leg and Brendol roared in pain.

Hux pushed himself forward and breathed out in distress. The panic was rising inside of his chest. His mouth started to fill with sand. He spat it out and split covered his chin. Brendol called out his name but it was already too late. Hux's fingers curled around the metal creating the ramp of his shuttle. With a final push, he found himself on the cold construction. His senses sharpened due to pain and he wondered if those were the final moments of his miserable life.

The next few minutes were spent with endless grunting and coughing blood. Once he was finally secure aboard, he found himself looking for anything that could send a distress signal to his ship. When Hux turned his head to the side, he saw a figure of his father standing in the sand. Brendol wasn’t smirking anymore and his eyes seemed to be more focused. Hux blinked but his father refused to disappear.

His hands finally managed to grab a DataPad. He held it close to his chest. Brendol came closer and entered the ship with slow, calculated movements. He kneeled in front of his son and tugged open his jacket. The bruises there were now visible against the skin of his neck. Hux gulped and a lonely tear rolled down his cheek.

“Generals don't cry,” Brendol hissed and his cold, dead fingers wrapped around his son's neck. Hux was able to send the message to _the Finalizer._ The DataPad fell from his grip and its screen shattered against the floor of the shuttle. Hux found himself unable to breathe. Brendol's fingers dug into his neck and it reminded him when Kylo used the Force to choke him. The feeling, however, was not the same. When Ren tried to choke him it was to show his power, but Brendol did it to kill him. Hux knew it from the first moment.

He was meant to die. “They cannot save you, boy,” Brendol whispered. “No one is coming to get you."

Hux remembered looking at the stars when he was just a small boy. He wished to reach them and own them all. He wished to belong between them. To be never afraid and never be lonely. Without thinking Hux raised up his hand. But not to touch Brendol's face. He tried to catch the lights above them. “Make a wish, Armitage,” he grasped out and Brendol's mouth opened in surprise. 

The darkness reached for Hux. He felt as his body started to disconnect from the ground. He could no longer feel the coldness against his skin or the air brushing the strands of his hair. The smell of blood was gone and the pain turned into a distant memory. He stared into Brendol's eyes. They had the same color as his own did. Blue, mixed with spots of grey. His father patted his cheek, gently, slowly. Hux felt confused.

Brendol wasn't gentle. Not with his son. And yet he was. He brushed away the blood that gathered in the corners of Hux's lips.

“Make a wish, Armitage,” Brendol whispered and Hux's head slumped to the side when his body finally gave up and the exhaustion took over him. Before his eyes closed, he imagined that his father smiled down at him, while holding his throat in an iron grip and choking the life out of him. In the silence that came afterward, the stars above their heads slowly burned out.


	4. he was dead long before i came

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> truth to be told, I didn't plan to post all three chapters right away but it seemed all boring without getting the main characters involved. I am very proud of chapter 3 though, no matter what anyone says. Thank you for reading!!! XOXO

Mitaka could feel the anger that radiated from Lord Ren.

It was consuming. He could feel it tingling down and reaching him as he moved on the Bridge. The presence of Kylo Ren wasn't an unusual event. However, whenever he came, he wanted to speak directly with the General. And Hux wasn't here now.

The entire crew was holding its breath from the moment Hux left the ship. It was like some invisible power took the will from both Stormtroopers and Officers alike and ship smothered them as they tried to move around. The only person who seemed unaffected by all this was Ren. Mitaka wasn't honestly sure what was really between Ren and their General. It could be nothing just as it could be anything.

The rumors regarding two of them started a long time ago. Mitaka wasn't that vain that he discarded them all. He knew that in every whisper was a part of the truth. He wasn't entirely sure what gave them away. Maybe it was the way they treated each other, or maybe it were the late night conversations that led to endless hours of brutal exchanges of their opinions. One way or another, Mitaka's heard a fair share of news regarding both his Commanders.

There were some that actively believed that two of them were fucking. “The whole hate-relationship is just a cheap trick, son,” one of the older Officers said. “The General walks so stiffly. I bet he gets a good pounding every night. No wonder he never sleeps with anyone else, Ren's cock must be really something.”

Mitaka was quiet all that time. He knew what they didn't and yet sharing such sensitive information about Hux's life wasn't the best way to rise among the ranks. It was just a flash of memory. Hux standing in an empty hall when Mitaka spotted him. His usual composedness was long gone and his jacket was unbuttoned. He seemed wild but not in that sexy kind of way that wants you to rip your pants open. He looked like someone who was just about to kill.

The Admiral standing in front of him was panting. From the way his belt hung unbuckled could Mitaka tell that it wasn't meant to end just by kissing. “Anyone could see us,” Hux said and his lips pressed into a thin line just like they did when he was getting angry. “Are you kriffing mad?”

The Admiral laughed. “Come on, baby,” he cooed the redhead. “It's deep in the night. And why does it matter? Don't tell me you wouldn't find enjoyable to feel my cock moving within you. Fuck anybody who's watching.” He licked his lips and his suggestion stood above their heads like a warning. Hux's shoulders slumped.

“You know I don't want that.”

“Being impaled on my cock?”

“I am not into such things,” Hux continued in a silent resignation Mitaka found foreign to hear. He couldn't see the General's face but he knew he didn't want to.

“I can cure that.” The Admiral marched forward before could Hux react and forcefully kissed him. Hux remained standing still before he woke up from the shock and tried to push him aside. When the Admiral refused, he slapped him across the face and took a step back. The Admiral looked at him with wide-eyes and furrowed his eyebrows in anger.

“You fucking slut!” he warningly growled and tried to reach for Hux. The General took out a long dagger out of his sleeve and pressed it against the Admiral's throat. He held it there for a moment until the Admiral gave up and raised his hands up in a surrender.

“I said no,” Hux said.

The Admiral was silent for a moment. Then he spat right into Hux's face. His own turned red from rage. “I don't know who would want to fuck somebody like you, you fucking cunt.” Hux froze. He didn't move when the Admiral started to buckle his belt and didn't prevent him from leaving.

His fingers held the dagger tighter and Mitaka, even without actually being able to see his face knew that something bad was about to happen.

It didn't happen immediately though. He watched in silence as Hux composed himself and returned back to his quarters while still holding the dagger in his grip. The next morning came quietly. Mitaka was able to tell that the General was still thinking about the accident. Something changed about him. His movements, usually slow and thoughtful turned out to be more feral. His eyes were snapped wide open and he kept biting his lips.

His fingers were restless. They kept tapping against the surface of tables. Hux seemed to be waiting for something and Mitaka was quick to recognize what it exactly was. He was able to tell when a man was about to kill. All his life Mitaka prided himself on being able to read people. And when the day came, he wasn't surprised when they found Admiral's dead body lying in the pool of his own blood. He heard stories that his throat was cut to the bone and that his eyes were left open.

He knew who did this. He looked at Hux when the General delivered his mournful speech, calling it a tragic accident but he knew. He remembered how tense Hux was when he stood in that corridor and held that dagger. It was probably hiding in his sleeve even then. Mitaka kept this secret. _I am not into such things,_ Hux said. No one's ever asked and the whispers slowly stopped.

“Report!” Mitaka snapped from the haze when Ren crossed the Bridge to stand up before him. His hands were folded behind his back. He didn't look like the General at all. His shoulders were too tensed. It was clear that Ren didn't come from a military family like Hux did and yet there was power in the chaos he contained and managed to control.

Mitaka glanced at the DataPad he held in his hands. “There is nothing to report, sir,” he said with a confidence and saluted. Ren kept looking at him with his dark eyes. He didn't have his mask on and Mitaka understood why he insisted on wearing it all the time. Its absence left his face uncovered and vulnerable. Mitaka could see the anger in his eyes and rage written into his features.

“What about the mission?”

“The General is well,” Mitaka said firmly. “If anything happens, we will get a distress call, sir.” Ren glared at him. Mitaka felt a brush of invisible fingers tightening around his throat and before he knew it, Ren cut off his air. DataPad fell from his grasp on the ground and Ren's eyes dangerously flashed.

“I didn't ask you about the General,” he said in dangerously low voice. “I am no fool, Lieutenant.” His grasp on Mitaka's throat only tightened. By that time everyone on the Bridge was watching them. Ren raised him in the air so just the tips of his boots were touching the ground.

“S-Sir.”

Mitaka saw black dots dancing in front of his eyes. He felt as tears rolled down his cheeks. Ren seemed vivid with rage. His power stung on Mitaka's skin. “I don't fucking care what happens on that mission but I want to make one thing clear. You are under my command just like you are under Hux's. If I tell you to fucking jump from the cliff, you will do it and you will thank me for suggesting it. Don't mistake me for your General, I won't be patient like he is. I want you to remember that.” Mitaka was sure there was no way he could ever forget.

He let Mitaka's body fall on the ground ungracefully. When Mitaka raised his head, he saw a pair of pitch black eyes burning holes into his skull. He grasped for air and his hands raised up to touch the tender skin of his throat. He blinked away tears that threatened to spill and reached for his DataPad with shaking fingers.

He raised his head up just in time to see as Phasma emerged on the Bridge. She made her way towards Ren calmly but brought with herself an unsettling feeling. She spared Mitaka a short glance. “Sir,” she saluted and Mitaka felt as his stomach turned upside-down. “There was a distress call.”

Ren's head snapped up. He was suspiciously quiet for a moment. “Why bother me with that, Captain Phasma?” he finally asked in a dismissing tone. “Tell someone else to take a care of that.” Phasma nodded her head slowly but didn't seem convinced.

“I was informed that the mission didn't go well.”

Mitaka watched Ren and tried to guess his inner thoughts. He appeared to be calm like he expected it. “Tell Hux I'd like to speak with him when he returns.” His eyes were clearly laughing at their failure. But that was not what caught Mitaka's attention.

In the next few years, long after the war ended, Mitaka kept returning to the moment when Phasma's voice dropped. She took off her mask and her eyes were glued on Ren's face. She was distressed. Mitaka remembered being afraid, not being able to breathe. He pushed himself to his knees. His joints hurt like hell.

“I am afraid,” Phasma said with a finality in her voice, “that it won't be possible. The General was shot down. He is in a bad condition and the medics are afraid he won't survive the night.”


	5. gone and remembered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Do you know that feeling when you start something and you have a plan to follow and all just figured out? And then you just come to the point when you change it all? Because that's just happened. I had kinda different intentions with this story but I've just figured out something new and I really hope I will be a good idea!! 
> 
> One way or another, I am very grateful for every person who found time to read this !!!! Thank you so so much!

He opened his eyes and was confused by the silence. His body felt lighter than before and when he glanced down, he saw blood smeared across his uniform. The memories came to him in flashes. He remembered lying in the sand, gasping for air. Hux remembered dying.

The death didn't hurt as much as he expected. It was more like a dull pain that spread across his body like a wildfire. When he lied in the sand, he was afraid. The blood was leaving his body in long rivers and his wounds were opened and bare. There were holes in his flesh.

“Is this how the death feels like?” he wondered loudly as he stood up. The General looked around. He was standing on a beach. The air tasted here like salt and he could hear the waves crashing into the stones around the shore. The sea seemed to be angry and with every clash, his body shuddered. He remembered being on a beach like this like a kid but the memory of that moment was blurry.

Hux felt as his whole body tensed when a voice called his name. He turned around. Ren was standing in front of him without the mask to cover his features. A small sad smile was playing on his lips. “It's beautiful, isn't it?” His eyes shifted on the scenery around them. “The sea and its wildness. I saw this place in your mind once. You seemed happy then, calm.”

Hux licked his dry lips. “I don't understand,” he admitted slowly. The wind started to play with the strands of his hair. Ren still refused to look at him.

“This is not how death looks like,” the knight murmured in a low voice. “It's much simpler than this. Maybe I should let you go, you know. There is too much pain and too much suffering in this world.” Then he laughed. “But it's a beautiful world isn't it?” One of his hands slide on Hux's shoulder and he kept it there.

“I know you grew up in a different place.” The scenery started to change. Hux felt as his heart skipped a beat when the sea turned into narrow grey walls. He found himself standing in the middle of the old apartment where he lived with his mother once.

He turned his head and stared outside. Behind their window, he could see a brightness of the city. “The light was surrounding you and yet you lived in darkness.” Hux felt like he was suffocating. His whole body started to shake while he gasped for air.

“Take me away,” he growled at Ren but the taller man didn't move. His dark eyes finally found Hux's face and his hand touched his cheek.

“I saw it,” he admitted softly.

“What did you see?”

“Do you remember what happened?” There was a hint of wonder in Ren's voice. “When they brought you back to the ship, you were unconscious. The doctors told us you have mere hours. I came to see you that day, out of curiosity. I wanted to see your fall.”

“And now I am dead,” Hux snarled. “Let's go!” But Ren held him in place.

“You are not dead,” Ren murmured. “You were all covered in blood. And you looked so small, like a child. I saw you lying in those soaked sheets and you weren't moving. I was sure you were already dead no matter what the doctors said. I simply couldn't understand how someone so fragile could last for so long.”

Hux gulped. “What do you mean?” he asked. “That I am not dead?” Tears were stinging him in the corners of his eyes. He didn't understand why he wanted to cry. Ren was humming under his breath. His fingers patted Hux's cheek and then slid lower to rest against his neck. Hux briefly wondered if the bruises were still there, visibly marking the paleness of his flesh.

“Exactly what I've said. We are currently inside of your mind, Hux. I wanted to talk to you, see if there's still something worth saving.” Hux felt as his shivers ran down his spine. He tried to escape Ren's touch but the man refused to let go.

“Worth saving?” His eyes narrowed and despite growing fear, he felt also anger. “Who do you think you're talking to? The last thing you could do for me was to let me die in peace. You have no right to be inside of my mind or to keep me alive.”

“I made a mistake,” Ren admitted slowly.

But before Hux could ask more, the doors slid open. The woman walked in with a small boy in her arms. Hux stared at his younger self and felt as his stomach turned upside-down. The woman had blue eyes, gentle and caring but tired. She held the boy closely as she walked in and sighed when she put him on the floor.

Her smile was strained with the years of suffering. The man who came in closely following her had an angry expression crossing his face. “The boy is mine just as he is yours,” he continued speaking in an angry tone and Hux recognized in him his own father. “You have absolutely no right to keep him here, in this shithole. He is my son above anything else.”

“He is not a soldier, he's just a boy,” Hux's mother turned around and her face was pale and eyes watery. “We were doing fine. This life is not the best life I can offer to him but it's better than what you want him for. He is not your son, he is just another thing. _The Empire needs children.”_ She held small Armitage closer and the expression of defiance settled over her features. “But I won't give the Empire my son. Those days are over, Brendol. There is no place for glory. All that left is ashes and dust. It's time to admit your defeat and learn how to live in this new world.”

Brendol narrowed his eyes. “He was not born to waste his life in a place like this. With my help, he can rule the world one day. He just needs to take what is already his. That's how it goes, we all have a bone to pick.”

“I am asking you for one thing; let the boy live! Let him live, Brendol. If he's your son just as you call him then you'll give him his life. That's all I am asking you for.”

Her shoulders started to shake in despair. Hux could see that Brendol was losing his composure. What followed was a quick movement. He took out his blaster and Armitage screamed. Then there was a faint sound of a shot.

Hux fell on his knees in front of Ren. “Why did you bring me here?” he asked. Tears were now rolling down his cheeks. He stared at the blood that started to pool under the woman's dead body. She was his mother once and he couldn't bring himself to look into her face, now wearing that expression of shock. The young boy screamed and cried when his father grabbed him by his small shoulders and made him move away.

“I didn't,” Ren said. “You brought us here. This memory is a strong one, you cannot get rid of it – of that anger you felt, of hate towards your father.” He kneeled down to the shaking figure of the General and brushed his hair.

“What do you want with me?” Hux's eyes stopped on his face. He was shallowly breathing. Ren only sadly smiled and brought him closer. He wrapped his long hands around Hux's middle and rested his chin atop of that red hair.

“I want to save you,” he murmured. “And I will. However, I know you will never forgive me what I am about to do.”


	6. of all those broken men

The awakening was blissful. For a moment, Hux could not see anything except the spiraling colors. Later when he was asked what he saw, stuck in-between the dream and the reality, he answered: “I saw the light. It was so bright. It burned my eyes.”

His limbs were heavy when he tried to move them at first. He was only briefly aware that his fingers were digging into the soft mattress underneath him. His mind was swimming. Just like that, he could recognize he was no longer floating. There was no blood, no corpse lying on the floor like a bag of garbage. Even the cries of the young boy quietened down.

Hux was determined from the beginning. A mind is a sharp tool, or so he was told. He pushed his eyes open just by a thought and when the light disappeared and he was able to see where he was lying, the blissfulness was long gone. He heard a loud scream. A voice called out for him. “Hux.” It reminded him of waves breaking over the rocks. He blinked away tears that gathered in the corners of his eyes.

“Names mean nothing without the titles,” he gritted out what he's been taught his entire life. _General. General. General._ He was still the General, as far as he knew. Hux was about to point his finger at the medic standing by the door and ask for his assistance when a hand pressed him down against the sheets. He recognized the cold, inhuman touch of the glove before he snarled and tried to fight it.

There was a light pressure against the shell of his mind and hand pressing him down refused to retreat. “You are weak, Hux. Let me in!” He almost screamed when the barriers keeping his thoughts safe shattered and when he looked up, he saw Ren's face looking down at him. He expected pain while Ren was present inside of his mind but he was met only with a soothing warmness that spread over his body.

Slowly, he stopped trying to escape Ren's grip. “You were there,” he whispered when Ren retreated. The knight kept looking at him for a long time. His dark eyes seemed unfocused. Then, suddenly he snapped back and turned to the medic. “Leave,” he commanded darkly and Hux recognized that tone. He could feel Ren's anger and the shiver ran down his spine.

The doors closed silently and once again, there were only two of them alone. “How long-?” The words remained stuck inside his throat. He coughed and flinched when Ren came closer. His hand cupped Hux's cheek and remained there while the knight watched him in utter silence.

“Do you even realize what happened to you?” Ren asked and his voice turned into a soft whisper. “What's the last thing you remember?”

“You were in my dream.”

Ren chuckled. “No. That's not what I meant. What's the last thing you remember while being in that desert?”

“The mission went wrong,” Hux remembered. The memories came back in short flashes. “I was shot. Then I called for help. That's all I know.”

Ren hummed under his breath. “You keep avoiding details, General.” The smile that appeared on his lips was sad and tight. “But we don't need them, do we?” His hand slid down and touched Hux's throat. Hux wondered if the bruises were still there. That simple touch made him feel uneasy. He shivered but didn't try to push Ren away.

“What happened?” The anxiety filled him from inside. He got a bad feeling about that. “How long was I indisposed?”

“About two weeks,” Ren mumbled. His eyes roamed Hux's body. The General looked down as well. He was surprised to see the change. His hands, usually thin were now just bones covered by skin. His whole body looked small compared to Ren's, now that he was sitting so close.

“The medics didn't believe you'd make it. There was blood everywhere when they brought you in. You looked dead already.”

“I was supposed to be dead.” Hux narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Tell me, why keep me alive? What did you gain by that?”

Ren blinked in surprise. “Why not?” he wondered loudly. “You are the First Order itself. And I grew fond of you over those years.”

Hux gritted his teeth just as those words left Ren's mouth. “Fond of me?” he spat out and tried to escape Ren's touch. Ren let him go and watched as Hux moved to the edge of the bed and wrapped his hands around his knees. “You choked me. You used me. You broke into my mind.” It took him a moment to say those words but he knew they were true. “I am just a tool to you. Not a human being.” His face turned red from the anger he felt.

“You don't understand,” Ren tried to soothe him. “I do care.” He reached over but Hux refused to let him come any closer. He bared his teeth and saw as annoyance flashed through Ren's dark orbs. The knight pressed his lips into a thin line and the air in the room suddenly turned colder.

“I was dying.”

“You were,” Ren confirmed that. “But I brought you back.”

It made Hux only angrier. “I didn't ask you to. There's one thing you cannot take away from a man and it's their death. But you took that as well. I've been left with nothing, Ren.” A lonely tear rolled down his cheek and Hux heard as Ren sighed.

He shivered when the knight leaned over and pressed a kiss against his cheek. “You are tired. You need to sleep and rest.”

Hux shook his head. “No,” he choked out. He felt like a pathetic child again. He slapped Ren across his face cheek and tried to stand up from the bed. The knight refused to let him and Hux soon found himself lying again. Ren was hovering above him.

The place where Hux's palm collided with his cheek was red. “You are confused.” Ren brushed his hair in an almost caring manner.

“No,” Hux started trashing. His body was on fire. He could feel as he wounds opened up again and the blood started to soak into the sheets. “I wanted to die,” he hoarsely whispered when Ren pressed his fingers against his forehead. “Why didn't you let me die?” Hux broke down by then and the tears rolled down his cheeks created rivers.

Ren sadly smiled. That was the last thing Hux saw before he lost consciousness.


End file.
